Things aren't always what they seem

I was initially hesitant to post about Juliana on social media, because Anthony and I are pretty private people.  I ultimately made the decision to do so because I thought it would be easier than having to explain our situation to every friend and family member independently. In retrospect, it was a great decision because we have received such an outpouring of love and support from our friends and family.  We are so grateful for that & for each of you.

What I failed to anticipate was the difficulty that I would have crossing paths with complete strangers – families of my patients, customers in the checkout line at the grocery store, and neighbors who we see infrequently.  So many well-intentioned people get excited when they meet a new pregnant woman & they always have a myriad of questions.  These conversations always feel so unnatural and awkward to me. A few weeks ago at work, another mother inquired about my pregnancy & the conversation went something like this:

Woman: “When are you due?”
Me: “In November”
Woman: “Oh, soon! Is this your first?”
Me: “No, I have a son at home.”
Woman: “Do you know what you’re having this time?”
Me: “It’s a girl.”
Woman: “Oh how exciting! You’ll have one of each!”
Me (I guess not capturing the right tone): “Yes”
Woman: “Oh, maybe it would have been easier to have two boys.”

I left it at that. Yes, I am so excited about my baby girl, but honestly, what was just excitement two months ago is now mixed with a great deal of trepidation.  I am so hopeful that Juliana will be healthy aside from the  heart defect that we already know about, but we won’t really know until she arrives.  I know she will be in the best possible hands at CHOP, but I can’t help but be sad about what our tiny new love is going to have to endure in her first years of life.  I am scared because as a NICU nurse, I have seen first-hand the things that can go wrong with a healthy, normal pregnancy.  It is our fervent prayer that everything is healthy and normal from here on in, but we just don’t have that assurance.

I can’t help but think about the pain Juliana will have to endure – and the fine balance between balancing pain medications and protecting our baby’s still developing brain. People tell me not to think about these things, but I am a (admittedly new) NICU nurse & sometimes I just can’t help it.

You can never really tell what’s going on inside someone’s body or mind. I remember a man being rude to me at the grocery store a day or so after my dad died unexpectedly of a massive heart attack.  It occurred to me that he had no idea that my world had just been shaken to its foundation & that likewise, I had no idea what was going on in his life.  I vowed that from that day forward, I would be more patient and compassionate when people were less than kind.  Pain and loss are part of the human experience – a huge part that allow us to relate to and love one another in deeper more intimate ways.

I’ve often heard people question why bad things happen to good people & I think this is part of God’s design -so that we can really learn empathy.  Reaching out to someone in a time of need is often just as therapeutic (if not more) for the giver than the receiver. This was my experience on short term missions trips to build houses with Habitat for Humanity – I always walked away from those experiences with more than  I gave.  I just never considered this in the context of pregnancy, because I never had a reason to.  I will try to be more sensitive going forward.

This has been on my heart since my little basketball popped out – just wanted to share this difficulty in the hopes that it will help someone else.

This post is on my regular blog. For updates about Juliana, please go here. As always, thanks for your love and prayers.